LET SOMEONE IN!!!!
My brother and I were talking earlier about suicide. About getting to ‘that’ point where you just want it all to stop. I’m not talking about the cry for help, I’m talking about the time when you’re past that and you just want it to be over.
It wasn’t a decision I had taken lightly. I had lost everything and I just didn’t see a way out of the predicament I was in. So for a few weeks I kept visiting my doctor saying I wasn’t sleeping and getting another five sleeping tablets, when I had twenty I had enough.
I know what you’re thinking ‘twenty sleeping pills isn’t enough to kill you’. You’re probably right but the litre of vodka and the razor blades with the full bath ‘were’. The plan? Get in the bath; take the sleeping pills, down the vodka, slit my wrists, and when unconsciousness overtook me one way or the other, as an absolute last resort slip under the water and drown when I’m at a point my body won’t instinctively fight for survival. This would be done on a Friday night when there was no chance of anyone finding me until at least Monday morning.
So I sat there and wrote my letters. One to my kids which they’d probably never get as their father was a lying *******. One to my brother to say goodbye and thanks for all the fish. One to Harriet, who would find me on the Monday morning apologising for the horrific discovery she was going to make and to let her know I’d be happier out of it and hoping that she didn’t carry the scene with her. Harriet was the cleaner in the women’s aid refuge I was in. As I said I’d lost ‘everything’.
There was a tap on the door one of the other women ‘Carol’ asking me to go to a folk evening at the local pub. I told her I wasn’t up to it but she persisted and instead of closing the door on her I ‘Let Her In’. ‘Well I thought; what’s a few more hours going to change? The answer was ‘everything’.
Somewhere during the course of that evening I realised I wasn’t the only person in my situation, there were people in the same situation and some in worse ones. I don’t know why or how but just being out and listening to some good music and having a ‘little’ enjoyment made me realise that maybe just maybe I could get through this and find some happiness in life. So when I woke the following morning I put the tablets and the vodka down the toilet and the razor blades in a bin in the street.
Things went up, got better. Things also went down again, then up and when I’m at a cusp where I’m not sure if I’m going to land on my arse again, I remind myself that for those ‘up’ times, it’s worth the struggle and I wouldn’t have known that if I hadn’t just ‘Let Someone In’.